A Bed For My Heart

This is the truth of being a bereaved parent: “People have asked me what’s it like to live life with a deceased child because they “just can’t fathom”… Well let me do my best to explain it in a way that can be understood.

It’s being dead but still being able to breathe, barely.

It’s like having your entire world thrown into a blender and mixed up to a liquid. Having your heart and lungs ripped out of your body so violently and never put back. Leaving a hole in your chest that will never heal and seeps pain, tears, anger, hate and regret.

It’s like living in a dream that you can never wake up from, except it’s a nightmare. A *life long* nightmare.

It’s like having a large glass jar filled with happiness and you drop it on the ground and all the happiness blows away in the wind to never return.

It’s like having a million people around hugging and loving you but you still feel completely alone. Going from having people to talk with to having not one person message or call anymore because they don’t know what to say to you … at all, about anything…

It’s standing in the kitchen cooking food for the ones still here and crying so hard you can’t see yourself burning the food.

Some days it’s falling to the floor, screaming so hard that no sound comes out and you run out of breath but don’t stop screaming until you are hyperventilating and dizzy.

It’s a million little demons battling one single tiny angel in your brain, testing to see if you’re strong enough or not to survive this.

It’s like always trying to convince yourself that people want you around even though you feel like you’re just a placement for convenience in this world and in people’s lives.

Honestly. It’s like knowing that you’re going to die eventually and embracing it with open arms like a long lost friend.

It’s like this picture below of you holding on with everything you have and feel it all melt away.

No it doesn’t get better. It doesn’t get easier. You just learn to live, to survive.” – Unknown Author


As we go through this nightmare called grief, I have learned more than I could have ever imagined. And I’m just getting started……

I have learned that there are people who say they will be there for you, yet you literally don’t hear from them. Maybe they don’t know what to say. Maybe they think you will reach out if you need something (FYI-NOT true). Maybe they think liking a status on Facebook does the trick. Or maybe they are just shitty people.

But SO much more importantly, I have learned that times like this really show people’s true colors. I have learned that I can create deep friendships with people who want to be there for me. People who truly care how I’m doing and who truly want to help. I’m not trying to make anyone feel bad. I know everyone processes grief differently. I know that some people honestly think they are doing the right thing.

I am lucky enough to have too many people to thank at one time. I am lucky enough to have a group of girlfriends who will drop everything for a girl’s night and let me laugh my face off. Let me forget the sorrows of day to day life and just be free for a few hours. I am so thankful for that. So thankful for the people who take the time out of their day to just tell me they are thinking about me, or that I’m strong, or inspiring. It means so much to me and is what keeps me going.

If your reading this and feeling guilty, well your probably one of those shitty people referenced above. But that’s ok. I’ve learned to just surround myself with those that have my best interests at heart. Those life long, call in the middle of the night friendships. I have learned to focus on the positive in my life, rather than the negative. It has taken me a LONG time to get to this point. You have helped me through this process more than you will ever, ever know. And I am forever grateful.  I will spend my life trying to be as good to you as you have been to me.

Quote by J. Raymond- Inspire yourself

This quote inspires me so much.  You don’t know where you are supposed to be or what you are supposed to do.  You can just know that you are meant for so much more than what you are going through.  I have learned through this process that you have to get through it.  You have to learn to enjoy the journey, or at least experience it.  Take in all the feelings, all the surroundings, all the people reaching out.  Know that even if you have been broken, you can still get up and do something that makes you want to live again.